So I want to start with–my dad is out of the hospital, had been out of the hospital before I even got in touch with him, likely even before I had written the post about it, and he seems to be okay.
Relationships are complicated….or maybe there is just something broken inside me that prevents me from letting anyone in. See the problem for me is isolation–I like my alone time. But for me, it goes a little deeper than that.
I’m an introvert, meaning that I gain my energy from time alone, from creative endeavors, and I do enjoy social interactions, I just hate small talk. I find it boring and draining. In my experience, relationships involve quite a bit of small talk, especially in the beginning. This means that getting to know people is aversive for me. It’s not necessarily the people themselves, but the small talk part of things.
This would be problematic as far as letting anyone new in, but what about current friends, family? And that would be where being an ACA comes in. As an adult child of an alcoholic, I grew up in a household that was very much affected by the disease, where there are some members who never did find recovery. Added to that, I live nearly three thousand miles away from most of them…friends, family….we are on opposite sides of the country, so all I have is new people, and I want to be in a relationship someday, get married, have kids, but if I can’t let anyone in…that will never happen. I’m 33 years old, and I am running out of time–at least for kids anyway. But I don’t really believe that there is anyone out there for me. I don’t think I have it in me to care about other people in that way. I read somewhere that in order to be in a relationship, you must be willing to sacrifice. To me this is what a real relationship is–love is sacrifice, and it should be a mutual thing. And I’m supposed to sacrifice for the first guy who notices me? Who hits on me? Guys don’t understand that. At least out here anyway–they act as if I should feel grateful that they are paying attention to me. I’m little more than an object to hang off of their arm, and I should feel grateful?
I’ve come across a lot of shallow people in LA, and the truth is that I just haven’t found anyone worthy of my time. The truth is also that I am afraid. I spent most of my life being a slave to my mother’s emotions, and now that I am free of her, it is very hard for me to risk letting anyone ever have the type of power she had over me again, because the closer a person gets to you, the more power they have.
I am not alone in my fear of intimacy. At least half the world has the same fear. There are things that everyone is afraid to share. I read a blog post recently by another writer discusses how lying is a part of our lives now, and that “(n)o one has tolerance for the truth.” This is a very scary statement for someone who has grown up the way that I did, where everything was masked, and reality was denied. I have no tolerance for lies, so it makes for some problems in trying to build relationships. I agree with the blog writer when she says, “the truth can be rude”, but I have also seen the damage that lies can do. How can you have intimacy, if you are too busy lying to someone to protect them? The writer goes on to say similar, to say that it is better to tell the truth, however my point is in the application to intimacy. How can you ever trust someone who lies to you? These are the basic foundations on which many people believe and live their lives. Men lie. Women do, too, but seeing as I am not going to be dating any of them that matters less to me.
How can I build a relationship with someone who is just telling me what they think I want to hear? So you see, I don’t have the patience for the dating game. I don’t have the patience for the small talk or the games. I don’t want to go out for coffee or for drinks or meet for dinner. I don’t want to text everyday about nothing or be expected to call after long day at work to again, talk about nothing or just plans for the weekend. Oh, and I am not required to see someone every weekend if that’s not what I want.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m selfish…or if my expectations are just too high, but I honestly think I would rather be alone than to accept anything less. I’d rather be alone than go back to feeling like I wasn’t a person, like what I felt or wanted didn’t matter. I guess what I need to know before really letting someone in is that I am not going to lose myself. How many compromises do I have to make? How much do I have to push myself to go? I can’t remember the last time I was actually excited about a date. Dating has become a chore, and I don’t know what to do about that.
*Quotes are from Sara’s Humble Blog-The truth is, lies are a part of life now.